: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
