i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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