Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
