Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
