i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
