I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
