; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
