my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
