Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
