My room smells like vodka and shame
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
