I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize