Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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