I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
