My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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