Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
