apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
