She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's official drugs can't kill me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
