Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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