You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
