Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
