as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
