After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Terrible idea I love it
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
