Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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