It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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