In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
