the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
