I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
