I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pants are for mortals
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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