Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
