I wish I could punch you in the face.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
