i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
