My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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