i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize