We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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