i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
