I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
