You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize