I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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