when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
