so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
