I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
