you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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