Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
