Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
