**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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