Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
