My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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