You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
