he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
pray to the hookup gods
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
