dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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