fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
