I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
