Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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