Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
