Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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