You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize